Because I have my own musical tastes

[womzilla]

I don't like "worst song" lists, because I know that the music I like and hate bears only tangential relationships to the music that other people like and hate. Also, starting in college, I learned how to structure my life so that I don't tend to hear the songs that other people find omnipresent and oppressive.

So, following an idea I found through firecat, here's a list of the "fifty worst pop songs" from whatever self-important group assembled that list recently. Considering that it goes back only to the late 1960s--thus missing the glory days of the crooners--yet somehow manages to get wrong which of Jim Steinman's most egregious ventures into songwriting was the worst (they list "I'll Do Anything for Love", but skip over "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and "Love and Death and an American Guitar"; this last is an almost perfectly unironic encapsulation of teenage selfish exceptionalism and is a song I'm terrifically embarrassed to know at all, let alone still own), and overlooks "The Ballad of the Green Berets" or the even more appalling "Dawn of Correction", I feel that I can mock this list to my heart's content.



On this list, I have boldfaced the ones I like. I might make a note about them. Songs in strikethrough I don't recognize. Underline are songs I particularly dislike.

We Built This City--Starship	Not good, dear me, no. But how is this worse than "Seasons in the Sun" or "Run Joey Run"?
Achy Breaky Heart--Billy Ray Cyrus	I *might* accept this as the worst song ever.
Everybody Have Fun Tonight--Wang Chung
Rollin'--Limp Bizkit
Ice Ice Baby--Vanilla Ice
The Heart of Rock & Roll--Huey Lewis and the News
Don't Worry, Be Happy--Bobby McFerrin
Party All the Time--Eddy Murphy
American Life--Madonna	I'm managed to avoid a lot of Madonna in my life. It's a practice I recommend to everyone.
Ebony and Ivory--Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
Invisible--Clay Aiken	There's simply no excuse for knowing a Clay Aiken song enough to dislike it.
Kokomo--The Beach Boys
Illegal Alien--Genesis

(Editorial note: At this point, it becomes clear that this list is far too willing to include weak songs by good performers. There's not a single song by REM, The Doors, The Beach Boys, Jefferson [Foobar], or Genesis--avec ou sans Peter Gabriel--that's as bad as "God Bless the USA" or "I'm Gonna Keep on Lovin' You". There are songs by otherwise good performers which belong on this list; "Ebony and Ivory" is a shamefully bad collaboration between two of the greatest talents in pop history, and holding "We Didn't Start the Fire" up for ridicule is perfectly reasonable. But it's really too easy to pick on songs which are merely annoying when there's a world of actual awfulness out there.)

From a Distance--Bette Midler
I'll Be There for You--The Rembrandts
What's Up?--4 Non Blondes
Pumps and a Bump--Hammer
You're the Inspiration--Chicago	Peter Cetara's solo work is actually much worse.
Broken Wings--Mr. Mister
Dancing on the Ceiling--Lionel Richie
Two Princes--Spin Doctors	Great guitar riff; silly song.
Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)--Toby Keith	A modern version of "Dawn of Correction", but it gets bonus points for directing its anger at civilians while they're getting bombed.
Sunglasses at Night--Corey Hart
Superman--Five for Fighting
I'll Be Missing You--Puff Daddy
The End--The Doors	The list also seems to dislike songs which get uppity. Well, screw them; pretensious spoken-word poetry and all, there's very little in pop to match "All the children are insane . . . waiting for the summer rain".
The Final Countdown--Europe
Your Body Is a Wonderland--John Mayer
Breakfast at Tiffany's--Deep Blue Something
Greatest Love of All--Whitney Houston
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm--Crash Test Dummies	Probably the weakest song on its album, but compelling and disturbing anyway.
Will 2K--Will Smith
Barbie Girl--Aqua	Again, I managed to avoid this.
Longer--Dan Fogelberg	nellorat and I have an ongoing disagreement over who's wimpier, James Taylor or Dan Fogelberg. I say that if science ever discovers a standard unit for measuring wimpons, that unit will be called the "Sweet Baby James". Fogelberg is pretty wimpy, too, but I like his melodies more. I actually don't remember this song.
Shiny Happy People--REM	See comment above about Genesis, Beach Boys, et al.
Make Em Say Uhh!--Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal
Rico Suave--Gerardo
Cotton Eyed Joe--Rednex
She Bangs--Ricky Martin
I Wanna Sex You Up--Color Me Badd
We Didn't Start the Fire--Billy Joel	I wish I could remember who obsevered that this song is like REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It", except, well, bad.
The Sounds of Silence--Simon & Garfunkel	See notes above about pretensions.
Follow Me--Uncle Kracker
I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)--Meat Loaf	This is merely bloated and full of itself. It's not complete nonsense like "Total Eclipse of the Heart".
Mesmerize--Ja Rule featuring Ashanti
Hangin' Tough--New Kids on the Block	See comment above about Clay Aiken.
The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You--Bryan Adams	Bryan Adams, for some reason, was treated like a rock singer and got played on rock stations a lot when I was young. I don't know this particular song; if it's somehow worse than "Summer of '69", then it probably outranks "Achy Breaky Heart."
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da--The Beatles	The Beatles do a novelty song. It’s charming.
I'm Too Sexy--Right Said Fred
My Heart Will Go On--Celine Dion	Yeah, this was pretty bad.

There. That wasn't good, was it?